Line Followers

That was one of the most simple and frustrating projects in my career...

But that's remind me... I think that our actual school model is building to convert people in some kind of machines, only capable to receive orders and execute them, just like robots... you don't need think or be creative, follow the order and everything will be ok.

You can observe this phenom in the office works, it's just like you learn in the school, all the time there is someone to tell you what you need to do... It's a very sad situation... But what it really bothers me it is the fact that people are OK with that! That level of conformity makes me upset, I hate it! I hate all those people who are able to do much more and they don't just because they are already good, they have money and that's all what they need... Be human it's just repugnant.

Why? It's hard? It's impossible? It's too much for you? You really don't care about it? I mean, for sure are the same kind of person who doesn't have interesting in change the world, I am OK, what is the big deal? Why should I worry about the others or for the nature?

Think about it... that's all what you can do? That's all what you want for the rest of your life?

If there is a line there, are you going to follow it forever? Haven't you a minimum curiosity about the rest of the world? What else are far away?

My robot follows the line sometimes... Yeah... I was young and I didn't know anything about life... or electronics...  Nowadays it's simple I can see it... At least I think I don't boren to follow the line.

The changing plan

At the beginning of my conscious mind, probably when I had 13 or 14 years, I was looking for the meaning of life, why I am here? And already from that point I was a very egocentric person.... And for that my original plan was: I am going to change the world! I am going to be someone very important in the story of humanity, I am going to revolutionize the world!

Then time pass, I talk with other persons, with the same plan, it was nice... But then certain competence start on me, that i wanna be the very best that no one ever was... oh wait... And then the plan change: To be someone very important, very rich and powerful, and then I will be able to change the world!!

The next phase was more simple... I was in the university, I realize that make something important for the world will be very hard, and the science is very expensive! So, the first step should be be rich! Then make some important advance in science... and maybe that could help to the humanity...

And just before I ended my bachelor, I was being more simple, the plan change: I only want to make some innovator product, and maybe that will be useful... in some way.

Now I don't know, maybe I just want to have a good life, good money, live experiences (because Millenals), and that's all, maybe be happy... just maybe...  And, if it's possible, make some science.... and with some luck, some of my experiements could be important... and maybe then... the world be changed.

You choose... poorly...

Well, now doesn't matter!

Ok every choise you make, brings consecuences, you know it! And every time you have to leave something more, you lose something to try to win something else. You have to take riks in your life, because if you don't, it will be boring.

Well, if you choise brings you happyness, congratulation! The post ends for you!

Now for the bitter and sad persons, I know that feel bro! I can understand pretty well what is the frustration, what is think a lot about a decision and finally when you get enough corage, it results in a very bad decision... Ya ya.. Everyone says the same "If you learn something it wasn't a bad decision", well guess what? It's a bad decision, and it cost to you something and a someway (Comodin words win).

Ok, now what? Yoy plan get sad for the rest of your life? Pff! What a shame of you! Go on, keep living, confront the situation, solve the problem! Or are you dead? Well if that is the case I'm sorry for you, it was a really bad situation and you don't even learn anything! But hey! Others will learn from your mistakes! Well... If it was something public... If not... Ok forget that.

My point is, you need to continue with your life, yeah you have right to be sad.... But just for a moment! Then it's time to the next, the next gamble! Life is excited! You need more mistakes in your life, it's good material for inspiration, the desperation is always a good motivation stuff... I hate it... But it works.

Your instinct for survive will be activated! Use it for bigger challenges!

Don't surrender yet! Well actually, surrend in that thing, and change for another better.

It's ok, you have time, you are alive. it worth!

What do you bet for a very happy day?

The dungeon master

Well that was a game I really didn't understand, I mean, the rules were very clear. But the gameplay was very strange!

I had my role, and I was having an adventure. I had my stats, and they were OK, I had infinite mana, I don't know why... The dungeon was normal, but the puzzles were confused. It always felt like I was passing everyting, winning the game, but the rules were "you can't win, no matter what happens"... So I always thougt I was going to dead easily, but no... I never was killed, by any enemy, that was weird! But at the same time, it was an endless game! So... that didn't make sense! I would preferd play another game, it would be more easy if the game was ending as soon as possible.

I was very good in my role, I was improving myself, I leved up, and the game becomed a really important part of me, that was because the dungeon master chose that it was it that way! That's absurd, why should be that important, if it really doesn't have that value! Nevertheless, I continued playing, because I was curious and I was very focus to know if it been posible to win (spoiler alert: the rules were the rules).

That's why I felt cheated! That is really bad game, why did I play that?! why the dungeon master never end with it?! Well, I have a theory... If you think about it, the dungeon master needs a player to play... In the middle time, I was like a toy, a temporal patch, a utility knife... But it was obvious that I didn't play that forever, I mean, I could! But I didn't want it.

I prefer write my own story, It would be more exciting and more funny. I am always open to sugestions.

Less human

Ok, I have to admit it, I am the problem. I hate everyone (like always), I there is a lot of thing about what I can complain.

Yes, I miss all of that, I miss you... And now I understand that there is not much difference, about my actitude, I still think a lot about it. Aparently I really cared about you. But now I have to be objective (like always)...

Maybe it's not you what I really miss, it's only having a person, yeah I now, that sounds very bad, I am heartless and bla bla, but I have not finished yet! The problem is that I really miss care about you, to listen about your day or your cotidian problems. I miss the sound of your voice and even the structure of your sentences (yep, everyone write different in some aspects). But let's back to the humanless nature, I miss have someone to care about it, and you was perfect for that role! Don't misunderstand me, you have a lot of "oportunity areas" for improvement.

I hate this situation, but little by little, I start the demolition of all of that. It's hard, everytime I remember...

Now I fell less human, like I really hate emotions and stuff, I want to destroy humanity again and maybe stole the christmas and things like that. Maybe I never was very human, and I just build artificial emotions, but hey, for me they were very real.

I don't regred been an artificial human, it felt nice. But now, well it's a war in my head, "hope vs hate", is very interesting.

At the end, I know it's dead, but it's hard to admit it. I just hope you are OK, maybe I will never know it, and for that is just a wish.

Now I am in that pahse when I don't want to feel anything anymore in life... a little dramatic (like always)... Humans why?!

Only in my mind

You know what is funny? I don't know what I told you before is real and what not. I mean, how can I be sure that what I am telling you at this moment is real, I think everything is tricky, I always manipulate the information according with the situation. Or, maybe everything was real, in each different moment.

Think about it, I am capable to change my mind, I can choose what is good and what is bad for me, I can rewrite every thought about facts or people, I fed one idea or another, then I am able to feel with more intensity every ilusion that I create. So for a moment I probably was be very indiferent, then I was complete crazy about that idea, and then it is like "bah it's not the big deal".

Every feeling is fed by ourselves, if we forgot feed it, will die eventually, if you never think about it, that idea will disapear. That's why if you feel bad, you need to distract yourself and then make different activities... Then you can replace the pain or the same, with another memory. Or try a something new!

It's always real, but I always have to work with every idea that I want to conserve.

My mind is clear now, I am the one who make the choises, and this time, I chose lose all that memories, create a bad feeling about it and never look back.

Move

I am a shame. I never expected to fail in that way. I always was thinking I was capable to make you happy. I was learning all I could. An in the end, in a rare and controversial point, I failed. And something broke. I felt very bad about it, all was my fault,but at the end I was thinking: Everything is my fault. nevertheless I realize that is true, everything is my fault, but that is because I am the only one who move the pieces,

I am not sure if we are playing rol and you want to be the storyteller, or you are waiting to something magic happen. I have made a big effort to this relation did work, I always said to myself that everything is true and all of that worth it. But apparently you have a different plan, you prefer makes me feel in the uncertainty, never saying yes or not, instead of making me feel safe, you always show me an unestable view. So, yeah, everything is my fault, and I want to fixed it, but only with one condition.

You need to show a minimum piece of interest, that you really care for this works, you only need to demostrate a tiny tiny sample of affection. Tell me with your actions that you want this, that you believe in a future of us. If you don't, then all of this doesn't make sense.

I am exhausting of play this game and never see the top, I love this game, I enjoy a lot, but it's hard and takes a lot time, so now I need to know if it will become in something else or I have to stop playing it. Don't misunderstand me, I am always going to love you, but I will be a watcher instead a player. It's really hurting me to saying that, because I always believed in the posibility.

Please react, please decide. Now it's your turn to move the pieces. Break something, or break me.

You are Fake

So you are complete sure than everyone in the world is going to like you. Because you are very good manipulating people. You can fool everyone else, but not me. I can see throught you, I can see and I can feel the empty, You are very hurt inside of your mind.

I'm sorry, I offer you free love, with nothing in exchange, but I was wrong! That's absurd! Ridiculous! Why would I give something so valuable to a person like you... You don't have anything to offer to this world. I can't give free love, I'm broken.

I'm an sociopath too, I'm not scare of you, I play your game and now it's over. The really shame part is admit I was fooled with your tricks, now, how I am going to tell to my family than you are only a fake person.

Maybe I can be pourly expresive. But my feelings are very real. You are empty! You and your dark deepness are a big and real monster. I hope some day you can change your mind, because if you continue in this way, you will never be happy.

Sometimes I have fear to hurt people, you don't have that fear. I'm a robot, but you are a dispecable creature. Yes, I though I can fix you... And I will be there, waiting for you, if you want to make better.

I will not play your game anymore, I am real.

Don't scare me

I have fear.

I feel unsecure.

I have fear of fail, of don't be enough.

I'm not ready.

I only have a plan, but I don't know how I gonna make it.

I hate the situations, where i don't have the control.

I don't want to fail.

I'm scare.

Why I am so coward?!

All that insecurities around me.

I don't know if my decisions are the right ones.

Probably I will have many mistakes.

I feel lost.

Don't make me feel I am wrong.

Don't say me what I have not to do.

Don't scare me.

The act of falling in love and keep falling down

I think about it so much, because I am trying to control it. I think about it like a mechanic or logical process. What makes it grow? What can destroy it? Some days it's beautiful, inspire me to be a better person and works like a drug, I forget my problems and I feel very good... The other days it's painful, awful, grotesque, it's rough, I want to stop it, that distract me a big part of the day... And the real problem is all that is in my head.

I could leave everything about her, but I choose to suffer, hold the pain and keep enjoying the good moments. It's difficult to accept it but sometimes, like in my case, this is only for a limit season, as the time and the factors allow it. One day all that will stop, and like a life, will disappear... And just like I said at the beginning, everything remain in my head. For a long period I will keep remember everything what could be. But let's be honest, anything of that could be, because it's an invention of my mind, that's what falling in love is all about, illusion.

It's easy to identify: First of all, you start to thinking about the other person so much, everything reminds you her existence... The second important part is, you want to be more time close of that person...She becomes very important in your life. And then you should accept it, because it's too late... you already fell in love... Warning! It's dangerous!

The next stage is when the situation becomes more complicate, you now have a virtual image of that person in your mind, you start to idealize her, you accept her just like she is (Yes, I am still using female gender, but it's my case! Use your imagination and change the syntax). And even you try to improve yourself to be a better person, even you take notes about what she likes. But remember! No matter what you think, it's no real yet! All that is an illusion that you made. You think you know her, you think you know what she likes... But, in name of science, that has not been proven!

You will try, despite all the things, help her, make her life better, everything to see her happy. The drug effect start and you don't care your own happiness, because at that moment you can be happy if she is happy. Probably at this time you have a long term plan with that person in your head, you already plan all your future together.... At least, you have targets in common... The future is uncertainly you should be conscious of this.

Then magic is out... And everything is gone... But I have not gotten to that part... So I will talk about it later, because in my particular case, it's disappear faster, like to remove a adhesive band from my skin... We talk about it later...

But the real big problem is when you are not reciprocated (What a word!), that is horrible because you have a great imagination... And that virtual image of that person is interested in you... But the real person have other ideas... Awkward... And it's complicated because now your pride is in game, your feelings are tense, and everyone hate the ruined plans... It hurts! You can control it, you hate the situation, but now you don't have anything, you waste your time, your imagination, your future time... Now what? Well, I told you...

Yes, you haven't control of this.
Yes, it's difficult to accept.
Yes, she doesn't like you at the same level.
No, you are not pathetic, neither a bad person.
No, it's not the only one for you.
No, your life is not ruined.
And no, you will fall again in the future.

At this moment, when I thought I have everything in control, but no, because now I am not sure what is going on in your mind... Everything is confusing... I doubt so much that now I don't know what I want... I could kill it everything, you already give me all the tools, I could end with this sorrow.... But what do you want? It's impossible to me try to imagine, I don't trust in my self, I thought know you, but no, I don't...

It's hard to say, but I made my decision very long time ago, I'm going to kill this immortal entity. But life is too short, I will enjoy the good and the bad of this, while it remains...


PD: You shouldn't be worry about me. I'm strong enough to carry this, but don't ask me to stay in pain, because I won't do that, I'm

It's everything about me

Yes, all what I hear it's about me.

Every story about a person it's a comparison with me, every time someone tell me about a new accomplished goal it's a possibility or challenge to me. If you made a plan future, I ask to myself what am I going to do at that time. I'm the only important person in my life. Well, after all I am only conscious of my reality, and that's the only thing I need to take care.

The society? No, that is not important to me, that's only part of my environment, when I born that was already there. I only learn how to survive and how to use it for my benefices, there was a time I tried to be a good citizen, but the people have horrible modals. So, again, I'm the only important, I will not make evil things, but I reduce my activities to achieve my own goals 

If I have a chance maybe I could make something good for other person, probably a person who I like it, a person who it will be useful for me, maybe it's a source of fun, jokes, good talks... 

Friends? Well the friendship it's a tool to make us feel better, more comfortable in this world, we need someone who can understand us (at least a part of us) and we need someone who have the patience to listen to us and even the smart enough to have an answer. It's very useful when we need talk about ourselves, or when we need another perspective, but in the end is only a tool. By the way we can have some kind of affection, but is more like a fear to lose them, and we try hard that our friends feel great with us. Because it's difficult to find persons who are capable to tolerate us. So if you are useful, I am going to keep you. But my priorities are more important than theirs, if my affection way doesn't work with them, well that is a problem, for them of course.

This is not pride, this is Reason. The most cold perspective that I have, the most honest panorama about relationship and people. We are responsible for what we feel and what we decided, the others' feelings it's their problems. If my lifestyle affect you, well you should keep distance. 

That's why you have to be careful with what you say to me.

Are you saying that you only like people because is nice? Yeah right, think about it

Quantum personality

I always think I am the same person all the time.No matter the passed time, the changes in my personality are not radical.

So, who are we really? I am different person with every person? Maybe.


In phylosophy exist two positions: Everthing change (Heraclito) and Nothing change (Parmenides), well at least that is the short version... In our life, probably we can guess we don't change because we are the same tool to measure this change, everything is relative, and we are the reference. But I can see the change, even in the writting of this blog, what a shame!

We are the consecuence of all events in our life. We are subject to the random situations of life as much as of ours as that the others around us. That means we should be always changing, but it's more complicated than that. We maintain our postures and opinions about some particular topics, we can debate and we can informate about new subjects, we can change our opinion... We react in the same way to some events, but we can experiment new emotions and change the perspective of the life. But we are always the same person, in theory...

Some persons say that we maintain our character, the capability of control ourselves, the time reaction, our intelligence and our likes. We are the combination of a lot of neural conections in our brain, only a injure can change drastically. But the conections change every day,  some memories are erased, some new knowledge take the place. Every day there is new content available on Internet. We learn new things and we can like new things. Depending of your confortable zone and the times you go out of there, you probably change more.

But let's back our premise, we change with the people whom we coexist. It have a certain logic, because every person is different, a different serie of events, and that is the interesting part of meet new persons. We can exchange our opinions, we can listen a diferent point of view, we can know very different experiences of ours and their reactions. It's a pleasure meet someone who can understand a part of us, but that is the point is only a part of all, and I think that is what motives us to be different with every person.

We change depending of our listener, with this particular person we create a local posture, a local sense of humor, we create experiences and stories in common. Sometimes the differents are more remarkable, because the behavior has a more deep level of trustness. But if we have same level of trustness, it's probably a compatible behavior with more persons. You can separe for a long time for these person, but it's probably this local elements continue, or even better, have new but compatible content.

If you meet more people, you probably can meet more about yourself.

This is my pride

I am that voice whom tell that we are right, we are very valuable, and we don't need the opinion of anyone. Because we know what we do, our limits and which is our reality.

We are always  working to be stronger, smarter and even funnier than anyone else. Sometimes I need to be very cruel to make a point. I only want respect for us, I will fight and I will be mad if it's necessary. We know we always can be better and we deserve the best.

This is pride: I had let you do whatever you want, because I was curious of your existence. I hate you, you trampled me, you humiliated me, and the worse part, it was for nothing.

You are not worth it. That's what I think.

But for now, you are the living proof that I'm weak and fragile. I will work in solve the weakest point that you showed us. Further, you always remember me that I made a mistake. I don't need that in our life. I will show you, who I am, I will destroy your memory, I will demonstrate to us that we are worth more than this situation. It doesn't matter what happen to you in the future, because I only care about ourselves. Yes, it was not your fault, it was mine, but that is the point, we don't fail, so you will never exist.

This is pride: You only had one chance, and it's over.