The act of falling in love and keep falling down

I think about it so much, because I am trying to control it. I think about it like a mechanic or logical process. What makes it grow? What can destroy it? Some days it's beautiful, inspire me to be a better person and works like a drug, I forget my problems and I feel very good... The other days it's painful, awful, grotesque, it's rough, I want to stop it, that distract me a big part of the day... And the real problem is all that is in my head.

I could leave everything about her, but I choose to suffer, hold the pain and keep enjoying the good moments. It's difficult to accept it but sometimes, like in my case, this is only for a limit season, as the time and the factors allow it. One day all that will stop, and like a life, will disappear... And just like I said at the beginning, everything remain in my head. For a long period I will keep remember everything what could be. But let's be honest, anything of that could be, because it's an invention of my mind, that's what falling in love is all about, illusion.

It's easy to identify: First of all, you start to thinking about the other person so much, everything reminds you her existence... The second important part is, you want to be more time close of that person...She becomes very important in your life. And then you should accept it, because it's too late... you already fell in love... Warning! It's dangerous!

The next stage is when the situation becomes more complicate, you now have a virtual image of that person in your mind, you start to idealize her, you accept her just like she is (Yes, I am still using female gender, but it's my case! Use your imagination and change the syntax). And even you try to improve yourself to be a better person, even you take notes about what she likes. But remember! No matter what you think, it's no real yet! All that is an illusion that you made. You think you know her, you think you know what she likes... But, in name of science, that has not been proven!

You will try, despite all the things, help her, make her life better, everything to see her happy. The drug effect start and you don't care your own happiness, because at that moment you can be happy if she is happy. Probably at this time you have a long term plan with that person in your head, you already plan all your future together.... At least, you have targets in common... The future is uncertainly you should be conscious of this.

Then magic is out... And everything is gone... But I have not gotten to that part... So I will talk about it later, because in my particular case, it's disappear faster, like to remove a adhesive band from my skin... We talk about it later...

But the real big problem is when you are not reciprocated (What a word!), that is horrible because you have a great imagination... And that virtual image of that person is interested in you... But the real person have other ideas... Awkward... And it's complicated because now your pride is in game, your feelings are tense, and everyone hate the ruined plans... It hurts! You can control it, you hate the situation, but now you don't have anything, you waste your time, your imagination, your future time... Now what? Well, I told you...

Yes, you haven't control of this.
Yes, it's difficult to accept.
Yes, she doesn't like you at the same level.
No, you are not pathetic, neither a bad person.
No, it's not the only one for you.
No, your life is not ruined.
And no, you will fall again in the future.

At this moment, when I thought I have everything in control, but no, because now I am not sure what is going on in your mind... Everything is confusing... I doubt so much that now I don't know what I want... I could kill it everything, you already give me all the tools, I could end with this sorrow.... But what do you want? It's impossible to me try to imagine, I don't trust in my self, I thought know you, but no, I don't...

It's hard to say, but I made my decision very long time ago, I'm going to kill this immortal entity. But life is too short, I will enjoy the good and the bad of this, while it remains...


PD: You shouldn't be worry about me. I'm strong enough to carry this, but don't ask me to stay in pain, because I won't do that, I'm

It's everything about me

Yes, all what I hear it's about me.

Every story about a person it's a comparison with me, every time someone tell me about a new accomplished goal it's a possibility or challenge to me. If you made a plan future, I ask to myself what am I going to do at that time. I'm the only important person in my life. Well, after all I am only conscious of my reality, and that's the only thing I need to take care.

The society? No, that is not important to me, that's only part of my environment, when I born that was already there. I only learn how to survive and how to use it for my benefices, there was a time I tried to be a good citizen, but the people have horrible modals. So, again, I'm the only important, I will not make evil things, but I reduce my activities to achieve my own goals 

If I have a chance maybe I could make something good for other person, probably a person who I like it, a person who it will be useful for me, maybe it's a source of fun, jokes, good talks... 

Friends? Well the friendship it's a tool to make us feel better, more comfortable in this world, we need someone who can understand us (at least a part of us) and we need someone who have the patience to listen to us and even the smart enough to have an answer. It's very useful when we need talk about ourselves, or when we need another perspective, but in the end is only a tool. By the way we can have some kind of affection, but is more like a fear to lose them, and we try hard that our friends feel great with us. Because it's difficult to find persons who are capable to tolerate us. So if you are useful, I am going to keep you. But my priorities are more important than theirs, if my affection way doesn't work with them, well that is a problem, for them of course.

This is not pride, this is Reason. The most cold perspective that I have, the most honest panorama about relationship and people. We are responsible for what we feel and what we decided, the others' feelings it's their problems. If my lifestyle affect you, well you should keep distance. 

That's why you have to be careful with what you say to me.

Are you saying that you only like people because is nice? Yeah right, think about it

Quantum personality

I always think I am the same person all the time.No matter the passed time, the changes in my personality are not radical.

So, who are we really? I am different person with every person? Maybe.


In phylosophy exist two positions: Everthing change (Heraclito) and Nothing change (Parmenides), well at least that is the short version... In our life, probably we can guess we don't change because we are the same tool to measure this change, everything is relative, and we are the reference. But I can see the change, even in the writting of this blog, what a shame!

We are the consecuence of all events in our life. We are subject to the random situations of life as much as of ours as that the others around us. That means we should be always changing, but it's more complicated than that. We maintain our postures and opinions about some particular topics, we can debate and we can informate about new subjects, we can change our opinion... We react in the same way to some events, but we can experiment new emotions and change the perspective of the life. But we are always the same person, in theory...

Some persons say that we maintain our character, the capability of control ourselves, the time reaction, our intelligence and our likes. We are the combination of a lot of neural conections in our brain, only a injure can change drastically. But the conections change every day,  some memories are erased, some new knowledge take the place. Every day there is new content available on Internet. We learn new things and we can like new things. Depending of your confortable zone and the times you go out of there, you probably change more.

But let's back our premise, we change with the people whom we coexist. It have a certain logic, because every person is different, a different serie of events, and that is the interesting part of meet new persons. We can exchange our opinions, we can listen a diferent point of view, we can know very different experiences of ours and their reactions. It's a pleasure meet someone who can understand a part of us, but that is the point is only a part of all, and I think that is what motives us to be different with every person.

We change depending of our listener, with this particular person we create a local posture, a local sense of humor, we create experiences and stories in common. Sometimes the differents are more remarkable, because the behavior has a more deep level of trustness. But if we have same level of trustness, it's probably a compatible behavior with more persons. You can separe for a long time for these person, but it's probably this local elements continue, or even better, have new but compatible content.

If you meet more people, you probably can meet more about yourself.

This is my pride

I am that voice whom tell that we are right, we are very valuable, and we don't need the opinion of anyone. Because we know what we do, our limits and which is our reality.

We are always  working to be stronger, smarter and even funnier than anyone else. Sometimes I need to be very cruel to make a point. I only want respect for us, I will fight and I will be mad if it's necessary. We know we always can be better and we deserve the best.

This is pride: I had let you do whatever you want, because I was curious of your existence. I hate you, you trampled me, you humiliated me, and the worse part, it was for nothing.

You are not worth it. That's what I think.

But for now, you are the living proof that I'm weak and fragile. I will work in solve the weakest point that you showed us. Further, you always remember me that I made a mistake. I don't need that in our life. I will show you, who I am, I will destroy your memory, I will demonstrate to us that we are worth more than this situation. It doesn't matter what happen to you in the future, because I only care about ourselves. Yes, it was not your fault, it was mine, but that is the point, we don't fail, so you will never exist.

This is pride: You only had one chance, and it's over.