I think about it so much, because I am trying to control it. I think about it like a mechanic or logical process. What makes it grow? What can destroy it? Some days it's beautiful, inspire me to be a better person and works like a drug, I forget my problems and I feel very good... The other days it's painful, awful, grotesque, it's rough, I want to stop it, that distract me a big part of the day... And the real problem is all that is in my head.
I could leave everything about her, but I choose to suffer, hold the pain and keep enjoying the good moments. It's difficult to accept it but sometimes, like in my case, this is only for a limit season, as the time and the factors allow it. One day all that will stop, and like a life, will disappear... And just like I said at the beginning, everything remain in my head. For a long period I will keep remember everything what could be. But let's be honest, anything of that could be, because it's an invention of my mind, that's what falling in love is all about, illusion.
It's easy to identify: First of all, you start to thinking about the other person so much, everything reminds you her existence... The second important part is, you want to be more time close of that person...She becomes very important in your life. And then you should accept it, because it's too late... you already fell in love... Warning! It's dangerous!
The next stage is when the situation becomes more complicate, you now have a virtual image of that person in your mind, you start to idealize her, you accept her just like she is (Yes, I am still using female gender, but it's my case! Use your imagination and change the syntax). And even you try to improve yourself to be a better person, even you take notes about what she likes. But remember! No matter what you think, it's no real yet! All that is an illusion that you made. You think you know her, you think you know what she likes... But, in name of science, that has not been proven!
You will try, despite all the things, help her, make her life better, everything to see her happy. The drug effect start and you don't care your own happiness, because at that moment you can be happy if she is happy. Probably at this time you have a long term plan with that person in your head, you already plan all your future together.... At least, you have targets in common... The future is uncertainly you should be conscious of this.
Then magic is out... And everything is gone... But I have not gotten to that part... So I will talk about it later, because in my particular case, it's disappear faster, like to remove a adhesive band from my skin... We talk about it later...
But the real big problem is when you are not reciprocated (What a word!), that is horrible because you have a great imagination... And that virtual image of that person is interested in you... But the real person have other ideas... Awkward... And it's complicated because now your pride is in game, your feelings are tense, and everyone hate the ruined plans... It hurts! You can control it, you hate the situation, but now you don't have anything, you waste your time, your imagination, your future time... Now what? Well, I told you...
Yes, you haven't control of this.
Yes, it's difficult to accept.
Yes, she doesn't like you at the same level.
No, you are not pathetic, neither a bad person.
No, it's not the only one for you.
No, your life is not ruined.
And no, you will fall again in the future.
At this moment, when I thought I have everything in control, but no, because now I am not sure what is going on in your mind... Everything is confusing... I doubt so much that now I don't know what I want... I could kill it everything, you already give me all the tools, I could end with this sorrow.... But what do you want? It's impossible to me try to imagine, I don't trust in my self, I thought know you, but no, I don't...
It's hard to say, but I made my decision very long time ago, I'm going to kill this immortal entity. But life is too short, I will enjoy the good and the bad of this, while it remains...
PD: You shouldn't be worry about me. I'm strong enough to carry this, but don't ask me to stay in pain, because I won't do that, I'm
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